I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
