My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
