whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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