my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Are we still banned from the library?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
