What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize