I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Randomize
