Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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