would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm too high and old for this...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
