3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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