Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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