Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
