It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
