I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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