a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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