a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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