I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
