so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
