you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
