omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
