If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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