make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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