my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
