I can text with my tongue
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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