I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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