And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
