I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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