All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
