Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
no more duck duck goose at the bar
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
