How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
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Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize