I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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