is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
