my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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