Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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