Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
