I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
