Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
