Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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