He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
