Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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