Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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