you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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