OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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