drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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