you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
