i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
