Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
