I love black thongs
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
