I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
