you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she pinky promised me she was 18
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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