Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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