The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
