and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
