I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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