I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
