I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
