In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
