dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
