At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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