Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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