i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
