K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
