Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
