the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
